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We're never old until all of our dreams turn to regrets of chances never taken. Every day I feel like another dream is
slowly being transformed in front of my eyes, never again to be. I find myself trying to find new dreamsto chase after, something
to keep me young inside, but each passing day only makes me more aware of reality and how fleeting and unlikely each subsequent
dream is.
I can remember as a child how I wanted to be an archaeologist, maybe a paleontologist. Almost every kid goes
through the dinosaur obsession; I was a bit more into it than other kids, but like everything else I grew out of it. I try
on dreams and aspirations like one might try on clothes, but no matter how many I try I can't find one that fits. There's
something about each one that doesn't sit right with me. Like a shirt that's too tight across the shoulders, or a pair of
shoes that never seem to get broken in.
There's nothing I couldn't live with, but whatever it is that bothers me is
something that I know will drive me nuts, and will eventually become such a focus that it obscures everything I like.
That
I keep turning to look back doesn't help. I want to find comfort in my memories, but I only see a landscape of failure and
wasted opportunities; and yet I continue to look back, because even as disheartening as the past is it is something I know
and have accepted. The future is terrifying to me. I have a fear of the unknown, perhaps an irrational fear. I find myself
on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about what the future holds, every time something doesn't go according to
the plan I set out. I scramble to accomodate for the change, try to adapt, but I never seem to be fast enough, and I always
seem to crack under pressure. I know I should probably seek professional help, but I have little respect, if any, for those
in the mental health field. Every single one I've met has either been incompetent or condescending. They don't help, they
just make me feel like I'm worse off than before. I think my decision to pursue education in that field was merely to try
and make a diference, to be something better than the mass of idiots that continue to plague the industry and leech money
from people.
I've never been able to go to my parents with a problem. My dad has always tried to help, and that makes
me feel a little better, but other than lend an ear and listen to me he's never really been able to help. My mother only made
the problems worse; either my issues were brushed aside or I was ridiculed for bothering her with my 'petty' and 'unimportant'
problems. I've always had to deal with my problems on my own, and whenever I couldn't solve a problem I ran away from it until
I was strong enough to overcome it on my own.
They say that introspection is good for the soul. It only makes me more
afraid, because looking inwards always shines a light on the problems that I still have yet to face and conquer; I turn to
look within an I see them all, waiting for a chance to escape the dark recesses in which I keep them buried, waiting for a
chance to come out, to force a confrontation before I am ready.
I am afraid that these unwanted traits will remain
unconquered by the time I have children. I don't want my martyr complex to come out on my kids. The last thing they need is
for me to treat them like my mother treated me when I was growing up. I want to be the kind of parent my father was and is,
but there is so much selfishness and distrust of others left in me from my mother's emotional abuse.
I've found ways
to turn some of my less desirable traits to my advantage. I channel every ounce of stubbornness towards fighting off the other
undesirables. I convert aggression into creative energy, writing and sketching and singing.
But the fear is always
there. My self-doubt has been with me so long that it's the only thing I know I can count on. As much harm as it does, as
much as it's held me back, I'm afraid to let it go, to push it away. It's what I know. I am arrogant by nature; my self-doubt
is all that makes sure what little humility I have stays with me. I might be more successful if I let myself be more confident,
but I don't think I'd like the person I'd become if I did that.
I feel like I can't go forward, but can't go back.
moving to the side is ineffectual. Staying put is unacceptable. What am I supposed to do?
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